San Francisco is 49 square miles surrounded by reality. (Paul Kantner)
So, a lot of you have asked me to start blogging again, and after several beers now seems like a good enough chance. (Excuse any spelling)
Let's bring you up to speed. On Friday 24th Jan I flew to SF to begin my new life. It's crazy. Since I left this city 4 years ago, all I have wanted to do was get back here... by the time I turned 30. Well I'm a tad short of my 27th birthday and here I am.... not bad going.
So what is San Francisco like? Well I guess it's hard to explain. Ignoring the logistical nightmare on the day I landed (my mobile broke and the Wi-Fi wouldn't work), my first weekend couldn't have been any better, I caught up with an awesome friend and met so many new and wonderful people. I spent a day chilling in Dolores Park with an amazing view followed by a rooftop BBQ, and Sunday on a beach with the Golden Gate Bridge (and people pretending to strip off out of a suit) as my view, It pretty much rocked. This was followed by a working week.
You see, I'm good at my job. I'm not meaning to come across as an arrogant prick but basically a company hired me because of this factor. They flew me out here and have put me in an incredible apartment. The problem is, they have their way. They have been doing this for almost 40 years, so I guess I can't argue with them, but damn is it a culture shock!!!!
Everything I have learnt, all that I have done, is different to how they do it, and that is one hell of an adjustment. After my first full week, a lot has happened. I now have a US bank account, a social security number and an office of talented and amazing people. The thing is, this job is hard. I guess because I was good at my last company I kind of hit a plateau. You see I was so far into my comfort level that I kind of got away without working to 100% of my ability. Out here it's different. The first few days were spent re-training myself on how to do things THEIR way. It's odd. I was hired because I was frigging good at what I do, yet now I have to be good at what I do THEIR WAY! This has led to a complete rollercoaster of a week.
I'm not ashamed to admit that on Thursday I hit a low. Things got on top of me and it felt like I was making ammateur mistakes because I was so concentrated on doing things their way that I forgot some of my fundamental training and did things that I was furious at myself for, The kind of things that would have made me question another persons ability if they had done it under my management previously. Add to it that my razor played up (electric) and I failed to have a shave on Thursday, which was met by a comment from my manager of "remember to shave" as I left the office. You see, I am my biggest critic. I know when I have fucked up, and having someone emphasise this really hits me hard. I don't like to make mistakes and I don't take it well. As I travelled on the MUNI home, I was in a daze. Was this the right move for me? Is this the right company to be working for? Have I come here because of the city only? It sucked and the journey home was a very contemplative one. I was filled with self doubt. Had I left an incredibly secure job in the UK for this? What was I thininking? I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it because I hate to show my vulnerable side. It makes me ... vulnerable.
And today happened. It was better. It wasn't the greatest day in the world, but it was pretty darn good. It was another frustrating day of realising that most people in the US don't answer their phones and that I had to leave voicemail after voicemail, however it was better. Besides having to do a shot of absinthe as my first week welcoming, it was a pretty good day.
You see I work in a rollercoaster industry. I go from being king of the world one day to a gutter cleaner the next. It's an emotional fucker but it's okay. As far as I am concerned I'm doing okay! You see my dream has to work out here again someday, and the reasons as to what triggered me to move here now don't really matter. I left a lot of people that I care about back home, but fundamentally I moved here for me. To rediscover me. To rediscover this non-arrogant love of myself, and, despite a rough ride, I feel like I am on my way towards that.
It's odd... every road in SF, and in fact America, seem to be parallel and perpendicular to each other, as in one wrong turn doesn't matter because you can just take a couple of lefts (or rights) to get back on track, however my life and job isn't like that. It's much more of a European road. You coast along this lovely straight road and then bang... you're taking a sharp turn to avoid an obstacle of some shape or form. I kind of prefer that/ I am who I am due to my experiences. Both emotionally and professionally. Emotionally I have had a tough 2014, something I may touch on in a separate post, but the truth is, who gives a damn? I am where I am now and I am happy with that. Whilst my first week may of been hard (55+ hours), I see it as only a positive.
I hope to post another blog about positives and our fucked up human ability to turn positives into negatives when there is no reason to at some other point, however I want this post to highlight that, even in a highly tipst state, I can safely say that I am happy with where I am and who I am right now and confident in my decision. Sure it will be a tough and rough ride, but I am where I feel that I belong.
If you’re alive, you
can’t be bored in San Francisco. If you’re not alive, San Francisco
will bring you to life……San Francisco is a world to explore. It is a
place where the heart can go on a delightful adventure. It is a city in
which the spirit can know refreshment every day. (William Saroyan)
