So this blog post is being written on my pretty awful phone. Expect spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, not because of that, although it's a decent excuse, more because there are always mistakes because I'm too lazy to reread and correct before posting. That and the fact that this blog is always spur of the moment where I type exactly how I feel and rereading it could lead to changes.
It's hard to decide what to write, except that I feel like I am me again. I feel confident, not in an arrogant way, but in a... Confident way. If I see somebody that I want to talk with, I just do it. What's the worst that can happen? Rejection? Oh no... Somebody could say no to me, well shit, stop the press. Let fear control your decisions.
I've always been an overthinker, like why hasn't she text back yet? What should I reply with? What does every little thing mean? The truth is, who really cares? Not as in the, screw everyone, more in the, why worry, why over think? Doing that just prevents you from enjoying moments.
I'm pretty dreadful at replying to people, even though it only takes a second, yet when someone doesn't reply to me I take it personally. As if I am the most important person. Gotta accept it. I'm not!
Realizing this has allowed me to be free, to embrace the moments. To live and love living.
This world is kinda messed up, but it's a beautiful mess. We live in a time where we can contact people, even see them, at anytime! That's awesome but messed up. I miss having things to catch up on when I see people. Instead they want to message all the time and that leaves nothing to say in person. People also suck at committing to things because they are so connected that they're scares of something better coming up that they can't do.
I'm learning to say yes, to as many things as possible. Even if it feels like it could be out of my comfort zone. How else can we learn and not be a jackass that backs out of plans?
I'm not sure what this post is about or why I am writing it. Or why you are even reading it. What's wrong with you? There's nothing interesting here.
But I love to write. I'm doing the standard writer thing of writing two books at the moment and making horribly slow progress. The ideas are there, the plan is there. The words aren't yet. They will be, and you'll probably read it, and may enjoy it. Who knows. I just feel free when I write.
I've met some amazing people recently through just saying hi. They make me better, they give me confidence. They like me for me.
Like you for you. Fuck the mistakes you have made. Every thing in your life, good or bad, has got you to this exact moment, this experience. I don't know about you but I'm.happy with where I am. Sure the journey had mistakes, but without them I wouldn't be hear. Your past got you to this moment. What are you going to do with your present?
Friday, 3 April 2015
Friday, 6 February 2015
What are we doing?
We're all kinda messed up in our own unique way. No matter who you are, the truth is your weird. Embrace that shit! That's what makes you who you are. Add to that the fact that you're gonna f**k things up. A lot. That's life. You're gonna make mistakes, you're gonna have regrets. We have one shot at this crazy little thing called life and we decide to waste so much of our time thinking about our mistakes.
What if I told you that there is no meaning to your existence? That you are born, you live, you die. That's it. Every single second is unique. Every moment. Whatever you do, nobody else has ever done EXACTLY what you are doing right now. That is where the awesome part is.
I'm going to right another blog about Tim Minchin's UWA address. It's one of the best things ever. However I'm going to pull on the one key takeaway. Life is meaningless but that doesn't make it any less awesome. The universe has been around for far longer than humanity, yet we come here thinking that there must be a greater reason for everything. That it all happens due to this big plan. And we rack our tiny little brains trying to figure out exactly what that mother licking bigger picture is. Guess what. There isn't one.
Whatever you are doing, savor it. Unless you're wallowing away. In which case punch yourself in your genitalia and get the hell on with enjoying this wonderful, beautiful, inspiring, unique and meaningless existence. Nobody else is going to do that for you.
You see, since moving here I guess I've realised how self-centered I am. I see people at home moving on with their lives and it's like WHAT THE FLIP MAN! Like yeah. I want them to be happy and stuff, but I kind of wish that they weren't as happy as they were when I was there. How selfish is that? It's a really eye opener to think that the world still keeps moving whether you are there or not. That's the truth. That's why there is no greater meaning to it all. You're ex is gonna find someone else, and so they should. Your mates are going to be out drinking and having fun. It's a fact. Would you rather they all sat in a darken room waiting for your dateless return? (I guess a little bit haha). So how about we all just stop sitting there and feeling sorry for ourselves. Infect the world with your joy. Penetrate everybody you meet (not always sexually, particularly in places where there is no free healthcare). Leave a mark in their lives in a good way. They will always remember you, and hopefully they will tell other people about you. I've told countless stories about friends back home and I've only been here a week. Should I message them and say "hey, I was talking about that time that we did x at y?". No. I don't have the time or energy to do that. Not when I am trying to focus on enjoying this moment right now. But they should sure as hell know that I am talking about them, just as much as I sure as hell hope they they are about me.
Get on with things. Stop being bitter. Life doesn't owe you anything. But you owe yourself a hell of a lot. Nobody is going to hand you down some happiness. It's on you to go and make that happen by just opening your eyes and realising that we live in an incredible time. Like right now I could communicate with practically anybody I care about across 5 different mediums. I can speak to them in real time or even frigging look at them no matter how far away they are. If I'm not fussed by the two way immediacy, I can email them, text, whatsapp, poke, even send a traditional letter! It's pretty frigging amazing. We are amazing. We've managed to take this meaningless existence and make damn sure that we are getting the most out of it. So utilise it and get out there and live. That's what it's all about. Laughing, smiling, experiencing and creating. And most of all teaching. Not necessarily in a literal job, but in life. Every time you meet somebody, no matter how well you know them, you are teaching them something.
Let's just stop looking for a greater meaning, and start enjoying this all.
What if I told you that there is no meaning to your existence? That you are born, you live, you die. That's it. Every single second is unique. Every moment. Whatever you do, nobody else has ever done EXACTLY what you are doing right now. That is where the awesome part is.
I'm going to right another blog about Tim Minchin's UWA address. It's one of the best things ever. However I'm going to pull on the one key takeaway. Life is meaningless but that doesn't make it any less awesome. The universe has been around for far longer than humanity, yet we come here thinking that there must be a greater reason for everything. That it all happens due to this big plan. And we rack our tiny little brains trying to figure out exactly what that mother licking bigger picture is. Guess what. There isn't one.
Whatever you are doing, savor it. Unless you're wallowing away. In which case punch yourself in your genitalia and get the hell on with enjoying this wonderful, beautiful, inspiring, unique and meaningless existence. Nobody else is going to do that for you.
You see, since moving here I guess I've realised how self-centered I am. I see people at home moving on with their lives and it's like WHAT THE FLIP MAN! Like yeah. I want them to be happy and stuff, but I kind of wish that they weren't as happy as they were when I was there. How selfish is that? It's a really eye opener to think that the world still keeps moving whether you are there or not. That's the truth. That's why there is no greater meaning to it all. You're ex is gonna find someone else, and so they should. Your mates are going to be out drinking and having fun. It's a fact. Would you rather they all sat in a darken room waiting for your dateless return? (I guess a little bit haha). So how about we all just stop sitting there and feeling sorry for ourselves. Infect the world with your joy. Penetrate everybody you meet (not always sexually, particularly in places where there is no free healthcare). Leave a mark in their lives in a good way. They will always remember you, and hopefully they will tell other people about you. I've told countless stories about friends back home and I've only been here a week. Should I message them and say "hey, I was talking about that time that we did x at y?". No. I don't have the time or energy to do that. Not when I am trying to focus on enjoying this moment right now. But they should sure as hell know that I am talking about them, just as much as I sure as hell hope they they are about me.
Get on with things. Stop being bitter. Life doesn't owe you anything. But you owe yourself a hell of a lot. Nobody is going to hand you down some happiness. It's on you to go and make that happen by just opening your eyes and realising that we live in an incredible time. Like right now I could communicate with practically anybody I care about across 5 different mediums. I can speak to them in real time or even frigging look at them no matter how far away they are. If I'm not fussed by the two way immediacy, I can email them, text, whatsapp, poke, even send a traditional letter! It's pretty frigging amazing. We are amazing. We've managed to take this meaningless existence and make damn sure that we are getting the most out of it. So utilise it and get out there and live. That's what it's all about. Laughing, smiling, experiencing and creating. And most of all teaching. Not necessarily in a literal job, but in life. Every time you meet somebody, no matter how well you know them, you are teaching them something.
Let's just stop looking for a greater meaning, and start enjoying this all.
Saturday, 31 January 2015
New Country, New Blog
San Francisco is 49 square miles surrounded by reality. (Paul Kantner)
So, a lot of you have asked me to start blogging again, and after several beers now seems like a good enough chance. (Excuse any spelling)
Let's bring you up to speed. On Friday 24th Jan I flew to SF to begin my new life. It's crazy. Since I left this city 4 years ago, all I have wanted to do was get back here... by the time I turned 30. Well I'm a tad short of my 27th birthday and here I am.... not bad going.
So what is San Francisco like? Well I guess it's hard to explain. Ignoring the logistical nightmare on the day I landed (my mobile broke and the Wi-Fi wouldn't work), my first weekend couldn't have been any better, I caught up with an awesome friend and met so many new and wonderful people. I spent a day chilling in Dolores Park with an amazing view followed by a rooftop BBQ, and Sunday on a beach with the Golden Gate Bridge (and people pretending to strip off out of a suit) as my view, It pretty much rocked. This was followed by a working week.
You see, I'm good at my job. I'm not meaning to come across as an arrogant prick but basically a company hired me because of this factor. They flew me out here and have put me in an incredible apartment. The problem is, they have their way. They have been doing this for almost 40 years, so I guess I can't argue with them, but damn is it a culture shock!!!!
Everything I have learnt, all that I have done, is different to how they do it, and that is one hell of an adjustment. After my first full week, a lot has happened. I now have a US bank account, a social security number and an office of talented and amazing people. The thing is, this job is hard. I guess because I was good at my last company I kind of hit a plateau. You see I was so far into my comfort level that I kind of got away without working to 100% of my ability. Out here it's different. The first few days were spent re-training myself on how to do things THEIR way. It's odd. I was hired because I was frigging good at what I do, yet now I have to be good at what I do THEIR WAY! This has led to a complete rollercoaster of a week.
I'm not ashamed to admit that on Thursday I hit a low. Things got on top of me and it felt like I was making ammateur mistakes because I was so concentrated on doing things their way that I forgot some of my fundamental training and did things that I was furious at myself for, The kind of things that would have made me question another persons ability if they had done it under my management previously. Add to it that my razor played up (electric) and I failed to have a shave on Thursday, which was met by a comment from my manager of "remember to shave" as I left the office. You see, I am my biggest critic. I know when I have fucked up, and having someone emphasise this really hits me hard. I don't like to make mistakes and I don't take it well. As I travelled on the MUNI home, I was in a daze. Was this the right move for me? Is this the right company to be working for? Have I come here because of the city only? It sucked and the journey home was a very contemplative one. I was filled with self doubt. Had I left an incredibly secure job in the UK for this? What was I thininking? I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it because I hate to show my vulnerable side. It makes me ... vulnerable.
And today happened. It was better. It wasn't the greatest day in the world, but it was pretty darn good. It was another frustrating day of realising that most people in the US don't answer their phones and that I had to leave voicemail after voicemail, however it was better. Besides having to do a shot of absinthe as my first week welcoming, it was a pretty good day.
You see I work in a rollercoaster industry. I go from being king of the world one day to a gutter cleaner the next. It's an emotional fucker but it's okay. As far as I am concerned I'm doing okay! You see my dream has to work out here again someday, and the reasons as to what triggered me to move here now don't really matter. I left a lot of people that I care about back home, but fundamentally I moved here for me. To rediscover me. To rediscover this non-arrogant love of myself, and, despite a rough ride, I feel like I am on my way towards that.
It's odd... every road in SF, and in fact America, seem to be parallel and perpendicular to each other, as in one wrong turn doesn't matter because you can just take a couple of lefts (or rights) to get back on track, however my life and job isn't like that. It's much more of a European road. You coast along this lovely straight road and then bang... you're taking a sharp turn to avoid an obstacle of some shape or form. I kind of prefer that/ I am who I am due to my experiences. Both emotionally and professionally. Emotionally I have had a tough 2014, something I may touch on in a separate post, but the truth is, who gives a damn? I am where I am now and I am happy with that. Whilst my first week may of been hard (55+ hours), I see it as only a positive.
I hope to post another blog about positives and our fucked up human ability to turn positives into negatives when there is no reason to at some other point, however I want this post to highlight that, even in a highly tipst state, I can safely say that I am happy with where I am and who I am right now and confident in my decision. Sure it will be a tough and rough ride, but I am where I feel that I belong.
If you’re alive, you can’t be bored in San Francisco. If you’re not alive, San Francisco will bring you to life……San Francisco is a world to explore. It is a place where the heart can go on a delightful adventure. It is a city in which the spirit can know refreshment every day. (William Saroyan)
So, a lot of you have asked me to start blogging again, and after several beers now seems like a good enough chance. (Excuse any spelling)
Let's bring you up to speed. On Friday 24th Jan I flew to SF to begin my new life. It's crazy. Since I left this city 4 years ago, all I have wanted to do was get back here... by the time I turned 30. Well I'm a tad short of my 27th birthday and here I am.... not bad going.
So what is San Francisco like? Well I guess it's hard to explain. Ignoring the logistical nightmare on the day I landed (my mobile broke and the Wi-Fi wouldn't work), my first weekend couldn't have been any better, I caught up with an awesome friend and met so many new and wonderful people. I spent a day chilling in Dolores Park with an amazing view followed by a rooftop BBQ, and Sunday on a beach with the Golden Gate Bridge (and people pretending to strip off out of a suit) as my view, It pretty much rocked. This was followed by a working week.
You see, I'm good at my job. I'm not meaning to come across as an arrogant prick but basically a company hired me because of this factor. They flew me out here and have put me in an incredible apartment. The problem is, they have their way. They have been doing this for almost 40 years, so I guess I can't argue with them, but damn is it a culture shock!!!!
Everything I have learnt, all that I have done, is different to how they do it, and that is one hell of an adjustment. After my first full week, a lot has happened. I now have a US bank account, a social security number and an office of talented and amazing people. The thing is, this job is hard. I guess because I was good at my last company I kind of hit a plateau. You see I was so far into my comfort level that I kind of got away without working to 100% of my ability. Out here it's different. The first few days were spent re-training myself on how to do things THEIR way. It's odd. I was hired because I was frigging good at what I do, yet now I have to be good at what I do THEIR WAY! This has led to a complete rollercoaster of a week.
I'm not ashamed to admit that on Thursday I hit a low. Things got on top of me and it felt like I was making ammateur mistakes because I was so concentrated on doing things their way that I forgot some of my fundamental training and did things that I was furious at myself for, The kind of things that would have made me question another persons ability if they had done it under my management previously. Add to it that my razor played up (electric) and I failed to have a shave on Thursday, which was met by a comment from my manager of "remember to shave" as I left the office. You see, I am my biggest critic. I know when I have fucked up, and having someone emphasise this really hits me hard. I don't like to make mistakes and I don't take it well. As I travelled on the MUNI home, I was in a daze. Was this the right move for me? Is this the right company to be working for? Have I come here because of the city only? It sucked and the journey home was a very contemplative one. I was filled with self doubt. Had I left an incredibly secure job in the UK for this? What was I thininking? I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it because I hate to show my vulnerable side. It makes me ... vulnerable.
And today happened. It was better. It wasn't the greatest day in the world, but it was pretty darn good. It was another frustrating day of realising that most people in the US don't answer their phones and that I had to leave voicemail after voicemail, however it was better. Besides having to do a shot of absinthe as my first week welcoming, it was a pretty good day.
You see I work in a rollercoaster industry. I go from being king of the world one day to a gutter cleaner the next. It's an emotional fucker but it's okay. As far as I am concerned I'm doing okay! You see my dream has to work out here again someday, and the reasons as to what triggered me to move here now don't really matter. I left a lot of people that I care about back home, but fundamentally I moved here for me. To rediscover me. To rediscover this non-arrogant love of myself, and, despite a rough ride, I feel like I am on my way towards that.
It's odd... every road in SF, and in fact America, seem to be parallel and perpendicular to each other, as in one wrong turn doesn't matter because you can just take a couple of lefts (or rights) to get back on track, however my life and job isn't like that. It's much more of a European road. You coast along this lovely straight road and then bang... you're taking a sharp turn to avoid an obstacle of some shape or form. I kind of prefer that/ I am who I am due to my experiences. Both emotionally and professionally. Emotionally I have had a tough 2014, something I may touch on in a separate post, but the truth is, who gives a damn? I am where I am now and I am happy with that. Whilst my first week may of been hard (55+ hours), I see it as only a positive.
I hope to post another blog about positives and our fucked up human ability to turn positives into negatives when there is no reason to at some other point, however I want this post to highlight that, even in a highly tipst state, I can safely say that I am happy with where I am and who I am right now and confident in my decision. Sure it will be a tough and rough ride, but I am where I feel that I belong.
If you’re alive, you can’t be bored in San Francisco. If you’re not alive, San Francisco will bring you to life……San Francisco is a world to explore. It is a place where the heart can go on a delightful adventure. It is a city in which the spirit can know refreshment every day. (William Saroyan)
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